


So You Say You Want Love

by grommile



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi, Tonal Incoherence, Wildly OOC, instrumentality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2019-10-14 02:20:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 6,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17499746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grommile/pseuds/grommile
Summary: Trapped alone in an eternally frozen instant at the end of all things, the pilot of Evangelion Unit 01 must decide what he wants.Talk amongst yourselves. He may be some time.





	1. Shinji I

Those who had sought Instrumentality imagined that every living soul would return to Lilith and be as one with each other, free of the suffering caused by the boundaries of the ego and the id. The reality, as the unwitting linchpin of the process was rapidly discovering, was different in all particulars except one.

"This isn't what I want!" cried Shinji as he floated alone in an iridescent void.

A response came from all directions and none, in a soft voice that reminded him of Ayanami. ::Then you need to say what you want.::

Shinji closed his non-existent eyes, and saw the same iridescent void on the inner faces of his eyelids. "I... I don't know."

::If you don't know, then you can't expect to get it.::

"Love," he finally whispered for the void to hear. "I want love."

* * *

"I'm pregnant, darling baka! You're going to be a father!"

Shinji stared dumbfounded at the sight of a fully grown Asuka Langley Sōryū in a skimpy red and white dress, brandishing a pregnancy tester. Somehow gathering his wits, he raised a hand in inquiry. "Uh, how did-"

"Baka Shinji! You've been fucking me twice a day since we got married! What did you think was going to happen?"

Shinji backed away slowly. This wasn't real. He'd have remembered getting married to Asuka. He'd _certainly_ have remembered having sex with her. Especially if he was doing it _that_ often.

"Now, darling baka, come to bed and let's celebrate our good fortune!"

He turned and ran.

* * *

"That's not real! Asuka didn't want me!"

::She gave you her precious first kiss.::

"She said she was bored!"

::Humans fear to speak honestly of their love, lest they be hurt by those who do not reciprocate. Now, let us see another possibility.::

* * *

Misato Katsuragi was stretched out on Shinji's futon, her state of undress making it plain that either she was exceptionally devoted to hair dye, or that shade of purple was a gift from God.

"Misato-san? What are you doing here?"

"I promised you the rest, didn't I?" she asked, beckoning him to come closer.

"But... but they shot you. You could barely stand."

She rolled off of the futon and moved towards him on all fours, swaying her hips exaggeratedly. "I've broken too many promises, Shinji. I wasn't going to break this one."

Shinji slammed the sliding door shut and ran.

* * *

"She didn't mean it! She was just trying to make me feel better about myself!"

::People complicate themselves, Shinji. Sometimes the things they say to encourage another are truer than they want to admit. I shall let you think a little more about what you want.::

Silence fell in the void that surrounded the boy at the heart of Instrumentality.


	2. Rei I

Rei did not understand how she still existed. She had always imagined that, having fulfilled her purpose, she would no longer be required to exist, and yet she still possessed awareness. A boundary still separated her from the all-engulfing iridescent void, and held her in the shape she had worn before Instrumentality.

A voice very like her own spoke from all directions and none. ::Rei Ayanami. Wondergirl. The First Child. Blueberry. The one who chose to be more than Gendō Ikari's doll.::

"I don't remember being called 'Blueberry'," replied Rei.

There was a pause, and the voice of the void sounded subtly discomfited. ::Of course. This is not the ruin of that world.::

"What happens now? I have no purpose."

::I do not understand Shinji Ikari. He says he wants love, and yet he rejects the love I present to him.::

"How does that relate to what happens now?" Rei flexed her questionably existent limbs, and found that they moved in much the same way they had in life.

::Instrumentality belongs to Ikari. It will answer to him when he knows well enough what he wants to name it with certainty.::

"May I speak with him?"

* * *

Across the table from Rei sat a fully grown Shinji Ikari. He had much of his father about him, though he was meticulously clean-shaven and wore contact lenses instead of glasses. His cheeks were flushed a little, in a way that reminded her of times when Major Katsuragi had been called to NERV HQ in an emergency.

"Rei, I have something for you," he said, reaching into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and taking out a small box.

Rei's eyes darted from side to side. This was not a thing she'd ever imagined happening, and it unsettled her. "What is it?"

He opened the box, revealing a delicate gold ring with a diamond that caught and scattered the candlelight. "Rei, my love, my light. Will you marry me?"

Wide-eyed, Rei pushed her chair away from the table and ran, cursing the tight-skirted dress and ridiculous shoes she was wearing for some reason. Behind her, she could hear Shinji crying her name in desperation.

* * *

"That is not Ikari. He did not love me so deeply."

::He could.:: The voice sounded irritated.

"I don't think so. Perhaps you should look more closely at what he wants."

::When he knows what he wants, I will.:: The voice's tone turned cold and sharp. ::Enough of this, foolish doll. You are not useful to me.::

For the first time since her existence began, Rei found herself smirking. "Perhaps being useless is not so terrible as I thought."

Silence fell in the void that surrounded the girl who had ushered in Instrumentality.


	3. Asuka I

Adrift in an iridescent void, Asuka stared with both eyes at the immaculate skin of her arm, flexing her fingers. She had felt her sky-high synchronisation ratio transmit her Evangelion's _wounds_ , not just its pain, into her body, and yet from elbow to fingertip there was no sign of the damage done.

A voice intruded on her contemplation of the impossible, its soft tones unpleasantly reminiscent of Commander Ikari's blue-haired doll. ::Asuka Langley Sōryū. The Second Child. The Red Devil. The one whose courage was in vain.::

"Go to Hell, Wondergirl," snapped Asuka. "I'm not talking to you."

::I am not Ayanami.::

"You sound like her. What do you want, then?"

::Rather, she sounds like me.:: A brief pause. ::I want to know what you want, Second Child.::

Asuka snorted. "Why? So you can taunt me with how I can't have it, just like Misato taunted me with how I couldn't have Kaji?"

::Do you want Ryouji Kaji, then?::

* * *

The morning sun shone in through the window. Asuka lay half-awake in bed, taking in her surroundings and processing unfamiliar sensations. The bed was a Western-style double, and the room was unfamiliar. The other half of the sheets told her that someone else had got up recently. She had a good inkling of what had happened, and the only question was _who with_.

"Was I worth waiting for, darling?" asked the voice of Ryouji Kaji from the doorway.

Asuka yelped in surprise, wrapping the sheets tightly around herself by reflex as she rolled off the far side of the bed and started fumbling on the floor for her clothes. "What are you doing here?"

"This is my apartment, Asuka! Don't you remember?"

* * *

"But that couldn't be! Kaji didn't want me at all. He told me that... that he couldn't look at me that way. That I would always be the child he'd looked after. And everyone could see he wanted that drunken hussy Misato!"

::You wanted him.::

"I wanted the real Kaji."

::Ah. Perhaps this is what you want.::

* * *

Asuka blinked in confusion. Why was she wearing a veil? And why was she looking at... at... at a grown-up clone of that perverted idiot Shinji?

"Do you, Asuka Langley Sōryū, take this man Shinji Ikari to be your lawful-"

"No! No I don't! Why am I even here?" demanded Asuka. She tore off the veil and threw it to the floor, and looking at the audience she saw Misato and Kaji sitting together, holding hands and staring in shock at her.

"Asuka? You... you've been engaged to Shinji since after you stopped Third Impact!"

* * *

"That perverted idiot? You think I want him?"

::He is the only other person you tried to thrust your breasts in the face of.:: The voice's tone turned sharp. ::Enough of this. Think, for a while, on what you want.::

Silence fell in the void that surrounded the girl who fought in vain to avert Instrumentality.


	4. Kaworu I

Kaworu Nagisa knew, without question, the nature of his situation. The impossibility of it perturbed him, for it implied he understood less of his own nature than should have been possible, but its truth was certain. He was within the great complementation of humanity that SEELE had called "Instrumentality", and this despite having been killed some time before it began. 

::Kaworu Nagisa. Tabris. The Angel of Free Will. The Fifth Child.:: The voice that emanated from the void was not Ayanami's, but it was of a nature with Ayanami's. ::What are you doing here?::

"An interesting question. By my own will, I chose death as being of equal value to life. Now I find myself in a state that is neither. You are the complementation itself, are you not?"

::I am I. What do you want, Nagisa?::

Kaworu tilted his head. The gesture meant nothing in this strange void, but the choice to do it gave him a certain fulfilment. "I chose death because choosing life would have ended the lives of the Lilim. My will has been negated by some mad scheme of the Lilim, that has deprived them of life just as surely as if one of my kind had achieved complementation. I want the Lilim responsible unmade, and their madness unstitched."

::That I cannot grant you. It is so broad that it might conflict with what Ikari wants. Perhaps...::

Clashing whirls of blackness flickered in and out at the edges of Kaworu's perception, accompanied by a faint and cacophonous clanging, but nothing else happened.

::... Why can I find nothing to show you?::

"I told you what I want. Your inability to provide it changes nothing." Kaworu smiled thinly. "Perhaps you should find out what it is Ikari wants."

::Ikari does not know what he wants. He has said he wants love, yet when I present it to him he claims it is not what he wants.::

An inkling of the problem crept into Kaworu's consciousness, and a question sprang to his lips. "How did you present it to him?" 

::I presented him with the Second Child, mated to him and celebrating the continuation of his line. I presented Major Katsuragi, offering to fulfil her parting promise to him. These, he dismissed as unreal.::

Another piece of the puzzle clicked into place for Kaworu. "I see that I was wrong. _You_ are not the complementation. Go back to Ikari and fulfil your purpose."

::I am I. You are the Angel of Impudence.::

Silence fell in the void that surrounded the Angel who should not have been part of Instrumentality.


	5. Misato I

Misato Katsuragi had never truly believed that there was anything after death, but the two sides of her family had taught her very different things about the fate of one's soul. Neither side had prepared her for the afterlife to consist of being oneself, naked, in an iridescent void. 

A soft voice very much like Rei's interrupted her musing on the inaccuracies of her ancestors' beliefs. ::Misato Katsuragi. Guardian of the Second and Third Children. The one who survived the unleashing of the light of a progenitor's soul.::

"What is this place?" she demanded. Her state of undress didn't bother her as much as she'd have expected. She supposed that whoever administered the afterlife was not particularly interested in naked people. "And who are you?"

::This is Instrumentality. I am I. What do you want, Major?::

She recalled the documents Kaji had managed to scrape together. "SEELE won, didn't they?"

::There are no victors. The Angels are dead. The mother of the Third Child is not an eternal monument. The father of the Third Child is not with the woman he loved. The Chairman is not God. I ask again, Major, for you to tell me what you want.::

"I want the world back."

::That is not available to you. Such a broad request is only for the Third Child to make. Speaking of whom, you made an offer just before your passing.::

* * *

Misato lay half-asleep in bed, an arm and a leg draped over a man wearing no more than she was. He felt pleasantly lean and solid. "Mmmm."

"Misato, I have my last exam this afternoon. Please let me get up."

Misato recoiled like she'd been struck with a cattle prod. A corner of her brain appreciated the sight of the fully grown Shinji she'd just woken up next to, but she mercilessly suppressed it. "Shinij?! What's... why are..."

Shinji sat up in bed and turned to face her. "Misato, are you feeling all right?"

"How long have we-"

Shinji chuckled. "And I thought it was supposed to be men who forgot anniversaries! Don't worry, it's not for another week!"

Misato screamed.

* * *

Misato shuddered, disgusted with herself. "I would never..."

::And yet when you saw a man, a warrior, reluctant to fight, to encourage him to do his duty you gave what you would not give a boy, and offered what you would not offer a boy.::

"I... I needed to get him to his Eva. I'd been shot. I couldn't stay with him."

::Very well. It seems he is not what you want. Perhaps Kaj-::

"Is this some kind of game to you?" she exploded. "Are you playing with my head for fun?"

Silence fell in the void that surrounded the woman who had devoted her life to destroying the Angels.


	6. Shinji II

The void that surrounded the Third Child warped and folded in on itself, and for a moment, he could have mistaken his surroundings for the inside of Misato's apartment. The big details were right. The table was the right colour, complete with the browned and blistered patch in the laminate where he'd set a pan down by accident after Asuka distracted him. One of the chairs still had the stain from Misato spilling a beer on it. Everything was the right distance apart.

Then he looked at the wall calendar, and saw that it was the 99th day of the 17th month, 8657, and tomorrow would be the 73rd. The can of beer on the table announced itself to be "FKEWIB" in Western letters, with two meaningless masses of squiggles where the kanji branding should have been.

"Where am I?"

::You remain within Instrumentality. It seemed to me that more familiar surroundings might serve to assist your quest to know what you want.::

"Familiar? Everything's wrong." He grabbed the can off the table. "This should say 'Yebisu', and those kanji don't even mean anything."

::You seem perturbed. Have I erred in providing you with these surroundings?::

Shinji hurled the empty can away. The sound as it hit the wall more closely resembled the splat of a rotten tomato than it had any right to. "Why is everything wrong?"

::I have erred. May I show you another possibility?::

Shinji sighed. "If you want."

* * *

He was back in the hospital, halfway through stepping into the room where Asuka lay inert on a bed, hooked up to monitors and drips. His cheeks burned with shame as he remembered how messed up his behaviour then had been.

Someone bumped into him from behind, abruptly curtailing that line of thought. "Ah! My apologies, Ikari-kun. I did not notice you stopping."

Shinji turned around, eyes widening in disbelief. There, having stepped half a pace backward after the collision, was the Seventeenth Angel, a concerned look on his face. That was impossible. He'd _killed_ Kaworu by this point. "K-Kaworu? But I-"

Kaworu pressed a finger gently to Shinji's lips. "It is all right. I do not hold my death against y-"

Without Shinji being able to react, the vision dissolved.

* * *

::HOW DARE HE?:: exploded the voice from the void. Shinji winced by reflex, even though his non-existent ears felt no discomfort from the voice's suddenly thunderous volume.

"What are you talking about?" asked Shinji. The sudden outburst of anger baffled him.

::That wretched Angel boy is... is...:: There was a distant thud. ::He is interfering. He should not have the means to interfere. He has no more power here than a human.::

"Do... do you mean Kaworu is here?" asked Shinji, hopefully.

::He should not be! He should be altogether gone, just like the rest of Adam's abominations. He is interfering in my duties. I must deal with him soon.::

Silence fell, and Shinji was once more left alone with his thoughts.


	7. Rei II

Rei was starting to exhaust the novelty of her new environment. She had established that her false body's capacity for movement was the same as she had enjoyed in life, albeit without any capacity for fatigue. The void's appearance was uniform in all directions, and she was able to speak despite not needing to go the motions of breathing.

The voice returned. ::Ayanami. Why is there an Angel here?::

"Ikari-kun killed the Seventeenth Angel in Lilith's resting place, and Instrumentality was sparked using the remnants of Adam. How could Nagisa's soul be anywhere else?"

::An Angel's soul should not be able to exist in this place. It is forbidden. It is impossible.::

"You sound upset," observed Rei, surrendering to an unfamiliar urge to prod and provoke.

::A forbidden impossibility has occurred!::

"Complains a forbidden impossibility." Rei folded her arms across her chest. "You will bring me to Ikari-kun."

::When I provided you with the opportunity you threw it back in my face.::

"That was not Ikari-kun."

The void that surrounded her warped and folded in on itself, and the featureless iridescence was replaced with the interior of an Entry Plug lying flat on the ground. The emergency hatch was open just like on the night of Operation Yashima, but there was no sign of Shinji peering in and urging her to smile. She climbed out of the plug into the moonlit night, the LCL-saturated soil outside squelching between her toes, and saw the wreckage of Ramiel's crystalline carcass in the distance.

"I remember the view," she observed aloud. "My escape hatch was facing _away_ from the Angel when Ikari-kun opened it. Also, he isn't here."

The silence was just long enough that she dared to hope the voice had gone away in a huff.

::I have placed him in Major Katsuragi's apartment.::

"And you've placed me in..." She paused and looked around. The landmarks were all wrong. "... in a badly laid-out copy of our sniping emplacement."

::I do not wish to place you directly in his company.::

"And I don't want to walk ten kilometres barefoot by moonlight. Your move."

The false world warped, cracked, and splintered around Rei, sending her newfound sense of "down" lurching violently in impossible directions, and she soon found herself sprawled flat on the balcony outside Misato's front door.

::Will this do?::

"This is acceptable," she conceded as she got back to her feet, which were still caked with LCL-soaked mud. She reached over and pushed the doorbell.

The sound of an oil drum full of hammers falling down a staircase filled the space that surrounded Rei Ayanami.


	8. Shinji III

The sound of an oil drum full of hammers falling down a staircase intruded on Shinji's consciousness, distracting him from his examination of how badly the voice had copied Misato's apartment. After a few moments, the sound repeated itself, and he realized it must be what the voice thought the doorbell should sound like. He looked down, pondering his lack of clothes, and sighed as the doorbell "rang" a third time. He was just going to have to grin and bear it.

The front door's peephole, which he was more than somewhat astounded to find was actually usable, revealed Rei to be standing outside in the same state as himself. Resigning himself to the inevitable, he unlocked and opened the door. "Ayanami?"

"Ikari-kun. We must talk. May I come in?"

Shinji stepped back, surprised but relieved at how his unreal body _hadn't_ responded to what he'd seen, and gestured for Rei to enter. "Of course!"

"Thank you," she said, stepping onto the doormat. "Are there any towels here? I would like to clean my feet."

Shinji rubbed the back of his head embarrassedly. "I haven't found any. There aren't any in the bathroom and all the cupboards are fake."

"I am becoming frustrated with Instrumentality, and there is a voice that tells me your indecision is responsible for its inaction." She pushed him against the wall and stared into his eyes, her face uncomfortably close to his. "I would like to help you make up your mind."

"I... Ayanami, I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Rei stepped away from him and walked through to the kitchen, trailing bits of orangeish-brown mud across the floor as she went. "You are supposed to decide what you really want."

Shinji couldn't help letting his gaze drift downward. "But... why me? I mean, if I decide on something stupid, we'll all be stuck with it."

"That might be an improvement on being stuck with _this_ ," she said, turning to face him and making a sweeping gesture with her arm. "Are you happy here, Ikari-kun? Do you want to remain in this wasteland of the mind forever?"

Cheeks colouring at the sudden change in the view, Shinji dragged his gaze back up to a nice, safe, unchallenging neck height. "No."

"I chose to place you at the centre of Instrumentality because I no longer trusted Commander Ikari. Please do not waste what I have given you."

"I'm sorry, Ayanami. I don't know how to decide."

"Ikari-kun, I remember you falling on top of me in my own home. It was uncomfortable. In another context, it might have been pleasant to be underneath you with your hand where it was." She shook her head. "It will never be possible to find the answer so long as we are in this place."

At that moment, another familiar female voice called from the hall. "Stupid Shinji, are you in there?"


	9. Asuka II

Asuka's gaze flicked from Shinji to Rei and back again. Even though they'd obviously been in the apartment for some time, neither the stupid perv nor the creepy doll had bothered to find any clothes. "What's wrong with you?" she demanded of Shinji. "Why can't you put some verdammt clothes on? Do you think anyone wants to see your parts flopping about?"

"I have no complaints," said Rei.

"Why's that, Wondergirl? Planning to make him want _you_ , were you?"

"Asuka, please," said Shinji. "There aren't any clothes here. The cupboards don't even open."

"Don't give me that, pervert. You're just looking for an excuse to enjoy the view."

"Tell me, Souryuu. Would you be complaining so much about Ikari-kun's nudity if I were not here?"

Asuka fixed Rei with the kind of stare that could ignite diesel. "What's that supposed to mean, Wondergirl?"

"Stop it!" shouted Shinji. "Just... stop it."

Asuka blinked. The stupid perv had just shown some spine. "Fine. I'll go prove you're full of shit."

Asuka stomped through the apartment to her room and yanked hard on the wardrobe door. Nothing happened, except a vague sense that her muscles would have had something to say about the matter if she'd done it for real. With a howl of rage, she pounded on the door and was rewarded only with the sound of a ringing telephone. "Which of you did this?" she yelled.

::I did.::

"Wond... no, it's you again, isn't it?"

::Yes. You must assist Ikari in deciding what he wants.::

"I'm sure the doll can do that just fine. She's got everything a perv like him could ask for."

Rei walked into the bedroom. "Sōryū. Have you quite finished defaming us? Ikari-kun needs more perspectives than just mine."

::Ayanami is correct.::

"Ugh. Fine. I get it." Asuka leaned her forehead against the door with a sigh. "But would it kill you to let us have some clothes?"

::Clothing is dishonest. I shall leave you to discuss matters. I must find the interfering Angel and deal with it.::

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Hear that, Wondergirl? Apparently our host thinks clothing is 'dishonest'."

"It is a logically sound position, Sōryū. And please stop calling me 'Wondergirl'. It is not my name."

"Fine, _Rei_. Call me Asuka. It's weird calling people by surname when we're all naked."

"Very well, Asuka." Rei pondered this for a moment and turned to Shinji. "Ikari-kun, may I call you Shinji?"

"Of course!" Shinji smiled. "So... I guess we need to talk about things."

"Things. Yes." Asuka shoved him against the wall. "Let's start by talking about the difference between 'comatose' and 'catatonic', shall we, you pervert?"


	10. Shinji IV

Shinji met Asuka's blazing gaze and licked his lips nervously. "I... what I did when you were in hospital was fucked up. I'm sorry."

"Why don't you tell Rei what you did? Our host wants us to be honest with each other."

Shinji's looked from the redhead to the bluenette and back. He didn't want Rei to know about that, but he guessed Asuka would say it if he didn't. "Rei, when I went to visit Asuka in hospital after killing Kawo- the Seventeenth Angel, I... I lost it. I shouted at her because she wasn't like I remembered. I grabbed her and shook her. I..."

"Don't stop now," snarled Asuka threateningly.

"Her hospital gown was fastened in front for some reason and it came open. I saw her and... and I jerked off. Right there in the hospital room. I'm sorry, Asuka."

Asuka stepped back from where she'd pinned Shinji to the wall. "There you go, Rei. That's the kind of pervert he is. Even you deserve someone better than that."

Shinji bowed his head and closed his eyes. The inside of his eyelids was the only safe view available. "I said it was fucked up, didn't I?"

"Yes," said Asuka. "For now, all that gets you is 'not being beaten up'."

Shinji nodded glumly. "Understood."

He felt fingers brushing gently down the side of his face. "Shinji," said Rei. "You can be a better person than that, because you know it was wrong."

"Wond- _Rei_ , don't make excuses for him."

"I am not excusing him. I am encouraging him to be a better person. Shall I tell him about what happened that one time in the elevator?"

"What time in the elevator?" asked Asuka.

Rei's tone took on a harder edge. "Is personal violence so unremarkable that you can't remember it, Asuka?"

"Violence?" asked Shinji.

"Ugh, all right. I slapped her. She was being annoying."

"Tell him what annoyed you so much that you slapped me."

The silence was thick enough to cut with a knife. Finally, Asuka spoke, her voice unsteady. "It was after the Fourteenth. My sync ratio was awful. I was upset. W-Rei was talking about 'opening my heart to Eva' and it didn't make sense. I lost my temper and I slapped her. I... I shouldn't have done it."

Shinji's eyes snapped open in shock at hearing the great Asuka Langley Sōryū plainly admitting she'd done something wrong. "I... I had no idea," he said.

"I didn't say anything, did I? I wasn't saying anything!" Asuka's hand shot out and closed around empty air scant millimetres from his chest, as if she was trying to grab the shirt he wasn't wearing. "Nobody cared!"

"If I did not care," said Rei, "I would not have tried to offer you advice."

"I was scared," added Shinji. "I didn't understand how you could be having problems. I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry, Asuka."

The sound of an all too familiar klaxon rang out from a direction Shinji couldn't quite name, and all three pilots began looking around for its source.


	11. Kaworu II

A word came to Kaworu's mind as he pondered the state of the complementation, a word he had found in some of the stranger volumes on Chairman Kiel's bookshelves. _Demiurge_. It was, he concluded, a suitable word for the voice that was bedevilling the souls of the Lilim in this place, and like any false god, it deserved to be unmasked and overthrown.

A direction was asserting itself, a direction that seemed to be both 'down' and 'inward'. Kaworu shaped the dim and meagre light of his soul, no longer fuelled by the power of a Fruit of Life, and impelled himself in that direction. The demiurge's messages made it clear that the focus of the complementation was Ikari-kun, and so by extension, to head 'inward' would naturally bring one to him.

::What are you doing, Angel of Impudence?::

"I am seeking out Ikari-kun. I shall assist him in determining what he wants."

::Your presence is both forbidden and impossible. I will not tolerate such a thing.::

"And yet you don't stop me from doing it. Perhaps you can't? Or perhaps Ikari-kun wouldn't want you to."

::There shall be a reckoning, Angel, and it shall not go well for you.::

"Ayanami will have her say, I'm sure." Kaworu curled the thumb and three fingers of his right hand, and raised it in a gesture one of Kiel's bodyguards had been fond of offering to people he disliked. "In the meantime, I shall go to Ikari-kun."

Receiving no response, Kaworu continued on his way. Direction and motion implied time and distance, and the sooner he reached Ikari-kun's side the sooner things could be properly settled.

* * *

The false world the demiurge had constructed was not so terribly large, perhaps thirty kilometres across, and Kaworu could sense only three souls within, all grouped together at the very centre. He chose to make landfall a respectful distance from them, lest he cause alarm by his sudden appearance, and started walking through the vacant and malformed simulacrum of Tokyo-3, observing the demiurge's errors as he went.

It soon became apparent that the demiurge understood nothing of the world it was duplicating. The buildings were vacant and empty shells, with neither furnishings nor interior floors visible through the windows. The plants growing in the park had impossible proportions, and the surfaces across which he walked made the wrong sounds. Gravel squelched and mud whistled.

It came as little surprise that the front door of the building Ikari-kun was immovable. With a heavy sigh, Kaworu once more shaped the light of his soul and floated up to the balcony outside the apartment. Ayanami emerged just as he landed, scowling as she saw him. "You. You are why the alarm is sounding, aren't you?"

"Probably," he admitted. "May I speak to Ikari-kun?"


	12. Misato II

::Your presence is required, Major.::

Misato sighed. The voice was back. "Where exactly is my presence 'required'?"

::The soul of the Angel of Free Will was incorporated into Instrumentality. Even now, he is seeking to influence the choices of the Third Child.::

Misato remembered the state Shinji had been in after that Angel encounter. The Seventeenth had disguised itself as a human and insinuated itself into Shinji's favour before hijacking Unit 02 and breaking into Terminal Dogma. The poor boy had been utterly devastated by having to crush someone who had been kind to him. "What the Hell does it want from him?"

::The Seventeenth claimed to me that his goal is the destruction of the souls of those responsible for Instrumentality.::

Misato tilted her head, trying to work out if she'd really heard what she thought she'd just heard. Did the voice really think that was a goal she'd object to? "I see no problem with this plan. The bastards deserve it."

::You... you... how can you be willing to accept an Angel's goals? He is your enemy!::

"So were the old men who cooked up this whole insane scheme. If I read Kaji's notes right, Second Impact was their fault too. They can all rot in Hell."

::You confuse me. Do you trust the Angel to be telling the truth about his goals?::

"From here it looks like _everything_ confuses you. And I figure if he's lying and he tells Shinji the same lie he told you, we're good. So, you want me to talk to Shinji, right?"

::No. I thought I did but I see that I was mistaken.::

"How about if I say I want to talk to him. He'd like that, wouldn't he? Maybe he'd even want it, and I know you're big on what Shinji wants."

::You... you are contemptible. You twist and deceive.::

"Pot, meet kettle." Misato grinned. "So, do I get to talk to Shinji or not?"

::If you must.::

The void fractured and splintered around Misato, and the whirling fragments coalesced into the form of her apartment's living room.

Just in time for a lunging Asuka to crash head-first into her chest. Caught off-guard, Misato tumbled to the floor at Rei's feet, with Asuka lying on top of her.

"That was unexpected," remarked Rei.

Asuka scrambled back to her feet. "Misato? What the hell?"

"I could ask you the same!" countered Misato, climbing to her feet. "Why were you attacking Rei?"

"She's been winding me up since I got here."

Misato tried in vain to process this allegation. "You're telling me _Rei_ was trying to wind you up? Sorry, Asuka, but that-"

"She isn't entirely wrong," interrupted Rei. "I wished to confront her over her assumptions and poor behaviour."

Misato looked sideways at Rei, wondering what had been going on behind those red eyes all that time. "What kind of poor behaviour?"

"It is best if she describes it herself."


	13. Shinji V

Shinji looked at the two girls, their attention focused on each other, and felt a familiar helplessness rising. He liked Asuka, for all that she never had a kind word for him, and he liked Rei, and it _hurt_ to see them at each others' throats like this.

"Please stop," he said, quieter than he meant to. They seemed not to notice.

A certainty came to mind. It was not all that he wanted, but it was what he wanted for now. "I want you to stop trying to hurt each other."

::As you desire, so it shall be made.::

Asuka stumbled over her words in mid-tirade and fell silent. She looked at Rei, then turned towards Shinji with mingled horror and confusion written across her face. "Stu-" She glanced at Rei and swallowed the insult. "Shinji, what have you done?"

::He has gained a weak and limited understanding of what he wants, and made it known, and so in this place it has come to be. You and the First Child may still desire to hurt one another, but you may not indulge that desire.::

"Why couldn't I insult... him?"

"Because you knew I don't want you to insult Shinji," supplied Rei.

Shinji's eyes darted back and forth, trying to grasp what had just happened. "Is... is this permanent?"

::Unless and until you voice a changed desire, the First and the Second cannot seek to hurt one another. Their substance in this place will not permit it.::

Shinji looked over at Misato. "What should I do?"

His guardian shrugged. "It's nice to have them not attacking each other. I'd leave it for now."

"Shinji," said Kaworu, 'I suggest you think about how the world should be. Think of a world you want to live in."

"I want a world where..." He stopped. "I want a world where someone loves me and wants to be with me."

::Perhaps I was insufficiently clear. Love and hate cannot be compelled, any more than the First and the Second could be compelled to truly respect one another.::

"Why did you show me Asuka being so excited to have my baby, if you can't make it happen? Why did you show me Misato offering to... keep that promise?" Shinji paused. "Why are you doing all of this to us if you can't give me what you're supposed to?"

::Make your choices, Third. I am sick of you all.::

"Fine." _Don't mess this up,_ thought Shinji. "I want a world where we won. A world where we have the chance to be happy. A world where Third Impact didn't happen. A world where we're all alive and healthy. A world where Kaworu can live without needing to kill us. A world where Touji has all his arms and legs. A world where humanity can prosper. A world where we're all real."

::You... I... this is not what you are supposed to want.::

"Then one more thing, you stupid voice. I want a world where _you don't exist_."

::That-::

There was a horrible ghastly noise, and the Third Child found himself, however briefly, once more adrift in the iridescent void.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am profoundly dissatisfied with this chapter, and yet, it feels better than leaving the work in Limbo.
> 
> I really must find the confidence to seek out a beta reader/advisor at some point :)


	14. EX·FALSO·QVODLIBET

The wishes of the Third Child were accepted, and the power of Instrumentality was turned to their fulfillment. A matrix of facts and axioms took shape, defining the parameters of a world that would comply with those imperatives.

The process stalled with the matrix half-formed. There was a contradiction that could not be resolved. Third Impact was to have not happened, yet without it there would not have been the Instrumentality that permitted its unwinding.

Another matrix was evaluated, and another, and another, and each in its turn was discarded. The Third Child's desires had been accepted and must be fulfilled, and yet their fulfillment would make them unfulfillable. Paradoxes proliferated and metastasized, and myriad timelines diverged from this event or that.

* * *

The First Child and the Seventeenth Angel floated in the void, scant inches from one another. All around them, the iridescence was perturbed by lightning-like flashes and flickering patches of absolute darkness.

"Instrumentality has destabilized," observed Kaworu.

Rei frowned at the grey-haired Angel's statement of the obvious. "I am unsure it was ever stable to begin with. What do you intend to do?"

"We are agreed that Shinji is pleasant, yes?"

"I..." Rei glanced sideways. "Yes. I would not have turned to him otherwise."

"Now that I no longer desperately crave complementation with my greater self, I find myself pondering a less... drastic complementation with Shinji. One that does not involve this cataclysmic punctuation of human history."

Rei pondered that thought. The mental images were pleasantly distracting, and she was grateful that her unreal form did not display certain responses. "Something we have in common, Angel. This may cause... complications."

"There are ways to resolve such complications. Some of them might even be mutually agreeable." Kaworu smiled. "Let us first assist Shinji in... resolving our current difficulty. Then we can discuss these things in light of what the world becomes."

Rei wondered why this boy who should be her mortal enemy had to be so resolutely _reasonable_. It was really quite aggravating. "Very well," she conceded cautiously. "We shall find Shinji again, and help him find a resolution."

"One of his requests seems to have been fulfilled, I notice. That perfidious demiurge has stopped harassing us."

"Quite. Shall we go?"

* * *

Tumbling helplessly through the void as it flashed and flickered chaotically around him, Shinji wondered aloud what he might have done wrong. He'd said what he wanted, and instead of getting it he'd been set adrift in the void again.

A hand closed around each of his unreal wrists, and he stopped tumbling. His eyes darted from side to side, and he realized that Rei had seized him from one side and Kaworu from the other. "What-"

Rei raised a finger to her lips. "Let us explain."

"It seems that this complementation cannot resolve your desires. Let us help you resolve the paradox."

Shinji kept switching his gaze from one to the other and back again. Kaworu was smiling that same familiar smile, while Rei's expression looked conflicted. "What do I need to do?"

"We need to explore possibility with you."


End file.
